do you want to suffer by yourself…?
by Stace on June 4th, 2010
filed under some terrible cacophony
i’ve been reborn so many times, i can’t remember them all… – Oingo Boingo, “Who Do You Want to Be?
So after a few months of mostly lurking in the online dating world (with some sporadic communication here & there, as well as a few dates), there are some interesting things I’ve learned….well, at least I hope they’re at least as interesting to you as they are to me!
First, (and this one seems obvious, but I still find it exceedingly disappointing) people make online dating an opportunity to reinvent themselves. Listen, I’m all for putting your best face forward, but it really isn’t supposed to be about exaggerating yourself to the point where your own friends wouldn’t really recognize you. I’ve discovered that if you’ve lived in your city/town long enough, you’re absolutely bound to run into someone you know “in the real world” on one of the dating sites. Sooner or later, it’s gonna happen. Whether it’s someone you’re currently friends with, someone you went to high school with and barely knew, or someone you grew up with and have no interest in knowing as an adult (yes, yes, and yes, in my case), it’s gonna happen.
That in and of itself is strange. I don’t know why, but we seem to treat this online dating world as though it’s supposed to be private, separate, or hidden. Why? What are we afraid that those who know us will discover? I’m willing to bet that most of us these days that are dabbling in online dating aren’t doing so without our friends knowing. (Hell, if only for the stories of what you’ve seen/read/been IM’d, you gotta tell your friends!) So why is it weird to come across the profile of someone you have actually already met? I can’t answer this. Although, I can say that I think it’s for obvious reasons that it’s weird to be sent a “match” who’s someone you’ve met and don’t care for. That happened to me recently. Creeped me the hell out!
Back to the reinventing one’s self, though. I understand the need for sites like these. I think they’re genius. But it’s a damn shame that people take advantage the way they do. It’s so easy (and yes, maybe tempting) to stretch the truth and make yourself sound so much more together and hip and cool than you really are. I really wish people could own whoever it is they actually are instead. It’d make life so much easier. For example, JDate helps people find dates with other Jewish folk. Great idea. Can someone get on starting WTDate? (White Trash, that is. Not What the…) And maybe even O.a.P.Date? (Overeducated and Pretentious.) I mean, who needs diversity? Let’s pair off two by two, and be honest about it! (Kidding…kind of.)
Don’t say you’re an avid reader if what you mean is you like to read Cosmo. Don’t say you’ll read anything if you won’t touch pop culture literature with a ten-foot pole. Don’t say you don’t watch television (at all, please) and yet you have songs from The Hills/The City/Jersey Shore on your iTunes. Don’t claim that Dangerous Liaisons is your favorite movie when it’s actually Weekend at Bernie’s (I will kiss you if you get the reference!) Don’t say you hate reality TV when you love The Amazing Race and The Biggest Loser. Don’t talk about Indian or Burmese food if you end up at PF Chang’s more often than not (which is fine, as far as I’m concerned)! Just don’t, don’t, don’t. Is it so hard to be up front about who you are? I’m not saying show all your cards (or your crazy, as Layla would say) at once. I’m saying don’t lie. Don’t even stretch the truth. It’s not an effing job interview. I’m all for putting your best foot forward, but it needs to actually be your foot and not some airbrushed magazine image that looks like yours (or a photoshopped/Glamour Shot of yours – you know what I mean). Some people take it seriously; some people are hoping to find a serious relationship or even a spouse (eventually). Please be authentic and of integrity. I don’t think I’m asking a lot.
One other thing I’ve noticed is there’s a lingo you have to decode. For example, every guy I see wants to boast of his “laid back” personality. Translation? Lame. Laid back seems to equal lazy. (So does “mellow,” but they almost always use “laid back”.) Using the word “active” in any context in their profile means they’re into sports, hiking, or working out. That’s pretty obvious. More importantly, though, it means they want to date someone who is small. They say fit/slender, but they’re all pretty slender themselves (usually). When a profile question asks what they do on a typical Friday night “find a good time” in any incarnation usually means bars and/or casual sex – that’s pretty transparent. Even more hilarious, though, are the guys who use words to indicate a certain level of seriousness and maturity, yet their pictures show them throwing up stupid signs, a beer in hand in every picture, and almost always, someone (usually a girl, often even just the face) has been extracted in one way or another from the photo. Classy. And I know, you’re probably thinking (just I have a time or two) that maybe those are pics from “back in the day.” Okay, fine. Maybe that’s true. Former loser, the digital camera – have you two met? (How has your buddy who’s perfected the art of the in-mirror-self-portrait-with-his-cell-phone not had your back & showed you a thing or two yet??!)
Then there’s the whole body type thing. I don’t know why exactly, but we use certain words to describe one sex and not the other. Example? We don’t usually refer to women as “stocky.” Conversely, a man who uses the word “full-figured” will have me laughing and clicking “not interested” – not because of his body, but because to me, that’s clueless (and bizarre). I’m not looking these words up in the dictionary, but I’m pretty sure, for the record, that “stocky” refers to smaller, solid men. It’s not really a fat reference, it’s the “big boned” thing. Am I right? Because guys don’t seem to know that. Or maybe they do and they just think it sounds nicer than the other options. Either way, they use it as a nicer way to say they’re big. Regardless of their height. Come on – every site has a “more to love”/”a few extra pounds” option. Every site. Don’t pick “stocky” because your mom told you you were. That was before the growth spurt in fifth grade, and now you’re just a big guy.
And for the ladies…don’t use “curvy” the same way. If you have a few extra pounds, or are “big & beautiful,” or even “full-figured,” please say so. “Curvy” (to me) refers to a very specific body type. You know, girls with curves. By curves I mean boobs, booty, hips, thighs, and usually a small waist. Also, I think curves is supposed to describe a woman whose body is in proportion to her height and also proportionate the rest of her body (evenly distributed weight). I’m sorry, but I need to come right out and say this. Rolls ≠ curves. They don’t. Those are something else. I’ll let you call ‘em what you want, as long as it’s not “curves.” Why do I care? Because I am curvy. Bona fide, 5’10″ curvy. And so I say so. As you might’ve figured out by this point in my post, I think it’s false advertisement to exaggerate or skate around certain things in hopes of finding someone. (Do you think you’re going to keep them once they’ve met you & figured it out?) So I say I’m “curvy” on my profile, because I am. And you know what? I honestly think that a lot of cute boys think I’m probably actually fat, using old pictures, and deluding myself into using a nicer word for “more to love.” And I guess that’s fair. Most people seem to be doing that. What would make them trust I’m using the word correctly? This is such an annoyance for me; I don’t think either sex should be allowed to use the wrong words to describe themselves. In fact, I’m pretty sure you don’t even have to choose one option. If you’re so worried about it, leave it blank.
And yes. It feels good to get all this off my chest. It’s silly and I know it. So? It’s also all part of the fun that goes along with blogging about online dating, and I haven’t in quite a while. Now we’re all caught up…and I have the first season of Nurse Jackie waiting for me in my DVD player, so I’m calling it a night. 
Sweet dreams of honesty, my friends!
who do you want to be? who do you want to be today?
i wanna be a flower, not a dirty weed
by Stace on March 16th, 2010
filed under some terrible cacophony
i saw a spider, i didn’t scream…cause i can belch the alphabet, just double dog dare me… – Katy Perry, “One of the Boys”
I’m with Katy Perry on this one. I grew up the only girl: me, my dad, my brother, and three stepbrothers. You better believe they taught me how to belch like a boy (among other gross things). To this day, I do pride myself on being stuck between tomboy and girly girl. How, you ask? Well, I don’t cry if I break a nail, but my nails are usually painted. I actively follow at least two teams in different national leagues and know the rules of the game, but I don’t have a problem setting the DVR to record a game to spend time with people I care about. If a guy doesn’t call me after more than a few days post-date, I figure he’s just not that into me and let it go. Seriously. And, I prefer some beers over apple martinis and cosmopolitans, but sparkling wine is still my drink of choice. Makes sense, right? I’ve been told a time or two that “toeing the line” the way I do makes me a catch, and I get that. So…where are my male counterparts?
I realize that hoping to meet a guy who enjoys sports and musical theatre is like the proverbial needle in a haystack, but…I exist, right? What makes me think I shouldn’t aim high? More importantly, why am I bitching about this at this moment? Because I’m having a “where have all the cowboys gone?” moment! Except, yeah, I’m probably not literally looking for a cowboy, but I guess you never know. Here’s my issue…I’ve met several guys online lately that are interesting, charming, intelligent, attractive…yada yada yada. We exchange a few emails, then one of us loses interest and the conversation is abandoned and left for dead. While this is taking place, Match and OkCupid both continue to send me a handful of daily “matches” they think I might like. In the case of OKC, there seems to not be much science to any of their “matching,” whereas Match on the other hand…well, they’re Match! I really hope they have some science behind what they do. But, then again, it is all based on preference.
I’d really like for two things to happen, in a perfect dating world. One, no one should be allowed to post more than one group picture (especially if it’s difficult to tell which one you are in said picture!), picture of one’s dog/cat/vacation, picture involving snowboarding gear of any kind, and especially, of someone holding up fish(es). First of all, gross. Can’t you just tell me you like to fish, or is it that you think that that’s really what women want? I’m gonna go out on a limb and speak for all of us when I say it isn’t, and those pictures have no place on a dating website. If you know me, you know I wouldn’t actually be blogging about this if it hadn’t happened enough times to warrant a complaint. As to the group/pet/vacation/snowboarding shots, those things are all great, but I’m not trying to get to know you via your profile. I want to see what you look like and what you’re into, and then we can exchange emails/IMs/texts/etc and figure out a time and place to meet and get to know each other in the real world. If the number of pics of Fluffy is greater than those of you, I’m going to be nervous. Why are you showing me pictures of a sunset? Guys – the point is for us to be able to see you. So many profiles talk about physical attraction being important, and I don’t think many of us disagree! Please, make it easy: show me what you look like, and we can go from there. Maybe I’ll even get to meet your dog or take a vacation with you one day. But if I don’t know that I find you attractive, I’m guessing it’ll never happen.
And two, I don’t want to sound like a pretentious bitch here, but…I honestly read on one guy’s profile “ignore the typo’s – no spell check on this thing!” Sorry, dude, brain required! It’s true that misuse of apostrophes is my number one grammatical pet peeve. But more importantly, it’s annoying that people so rely on the apparent genius of computers that they think it lets them off the hook altogether! The same guy said something about wanting to meet a woman with “common since!” Also, guys, you’re not interested in meeting a “women,” no matter how hot you are. At least not someone I want to meet… I’m sorry, I can’t help it – my brain shuts off when I read stuff like this. And I do have my settings already set to send me matches with a preference indicating education of some kind. It’s not absolutely mandatory, of course, but it’s a preference. It’s scary, though – some of these crazy grammar/spelling errors – they’re from doctors, or guys in law school!? What? How is that possible? I hope it doesn’t make me a bad person: every time I see more than a few of these errors, I sigh, “next.”
Oh, and one last thing…okay, technically two. They’re absolutely silly, minor gripes…but: don’t say you’re easy-going/laid back. Everyone says that, and I’m betting you think you are, and other people don’t. Just skip that part and go on with the rest of your description. Or, if you need it there like some kind of crutch, come back and delete it after you’ve finished. Just make it go away.
And please, please don’t say you like to have a good time/fun. I’m really trying to find someone who doesn’t enjoy life. Thanks.
(*If I’ve offended anyone for any reason…please don’t take any of it too seriously. I mean this all in fun, and just to amuse myself and/or anyone who might be reading. And also… I can’t take full responsibility for my words/actions – I’m drugged out on cold meds. But I am heading to bed, so not to worry: away goes the laptop.*)
cause i don’t wanna be one of the boys, one of your guys… just give me a chance to prove to you tonight… that i just wanna be one of the girls…
today was like one of those fly dreams
by Stace on March 7th, 2010
filed under ch-ch-ch-changes, some terrible cacophony
i don’t know but today seems kinda odd, no barking from the dogs, no smog… today was a good day… – Ice Cube, “It Was a Good Day”
Two awards shows in a row, I’ve sat down to watch with every intention of blogging my reaction to the awards, the celebrities, and yes….who’s wearing what. Twice, though, these plans have been foiled. Truth be told, though, I can blog tomorrow about my reactions to the Oscars and it doesn’t really change anything. (Though I’m thinking I have to actually watch them tonight or the spoilers will be raining down in the morning.)
Tonight, I’d rather reflect on the great day I had than an awards show. Layla & I decided that this should be how we spend every Sunday. I slept in till almost ten, read for a while & still had plenty of time to get ready before she showed up at my new place. I gave her a quick tour & then we were off to the city. Parking was a bitch, but we managed to make it to the Orpheum before the (emerald) curtain came up. Happily, Nicolas’ voice was in better shape today, so he was back.
The show was amazing, Layla got to meet a bunch of the cast members, and Nicolas was stoked that we’d brought tea for his scratchy throat. (And I have to go on record and admit, I’d become something of a tea snob…when I asked him what kind of tea he wanted, I expected him to say “green” or “black” or even “chamomile.” Nicolas’ answer? “Bengal Spice.” What?? The Celestial Seasonings stuff I can get at the grocery store? I scoffed. Turns out, though, that it’s delicious! Who knew? Thanks for the tip, dude!)
This was my first chance to see Eden Espinosa reprise a role she essentially originated (just not on B’way, that was Idina Menzel, who won the Tony for it). She was really different from what I’m used to (Teal Wicks onstage, Idina on record), but she was great. I can see why they bring her back, and why people love her. I even read one fan’s review that she was far better even than Idina – I have to disagree, but then again… I’m a RENT-head. My faithfulness to OBCMs of either show should surprise no one.
Also, I was sad to see a new Madame Morrible. Patty Duke was just fantastic. (Again, nothing against the new cast member – she was good!) I have seen a fair number of alternate actors play these roles, already, and tonight, for my money, the power player performances were those from Nicolas and the golden-voiced Deedee Magno Hall (Nessarose). Call me biased…
After our Orpheum adventures, we stopped at Bossa Nova for dinner and drinks. You might remember my search for fejoida. This is one of the places I found that serves it, so I’d already been wanting to stop in sometime. The best part is, it wasn’t even my choice. Even with Layla, this was something of a date (I can hear Greg Behrendt in my ear: “it’s just a f$@*ing date!”)… the first face to face meeting I’ve had so far with this crazy foray of mine into the world of dating on the internet. Gotta say, though, if this is the first, bring ‘em on. He was cute, he was nice, the conversation was easy… a great first impression. (And I’m not just saying that because he might be reading this.)
After a drink, our “date” had to run off to dinner with his parents, but Layla & I decided to stay for Brazilian tapas – this place is pretty good. The service left a lot to be desired, but there was really only one guy serving the whole place and it did fill up, so we cut him some slack. (A lot of slack, actually, but who’s counting?) Anyway, this isn’t Yelp. Enough about the service: have the pineapple-infused caipirinhas, the corn and cheese risoli, and the crusted-goat cheese with cipollini jam. Skip the mashed sweet potatoes, and forget about trying to have dessert. Go on a Tuesday, maybe you’ll have better luck with the service on a slower night…even if you don’t, don’t let the slow service keep you from this place. It was great. Live music, too, which was nice. Next time I’m having the feijoada!
And then…absolutely no traffic coming home (not that I expected it late Sunday evening, but still.) A perfect end to a glorious day. See? Every Sunday should be like this: music, cute boys, my bestie, and good food? What’s not to love?
Tomorrow, the Oscars. I will say that the tribute to John Hughes was touching and fantastic, and well-deserved. He was amazing. Tonight, I’m headed to bed before-midnight…with Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
i got to say it was a good day…
i got nobody left to believe
by Stace on February 11th, 2010
filed under some terrible cacophony
got no feel, got no rhythm… i just keep losing my beat… – Queen, “Somebody to Love”
Alright, so truth be told, I’m not nearly as desperate as Freddie’s lyrics might imply. I chose this song because (well, one because I love it, and Queen) I noticed it’s been a while since I had anything remotely interesting to say about my online dating “life.” Why? Because my online dating pool is…well, it’s a wading pool. I haven’t said anything because there’s nothing to say. I’m not sad or discouraged, I actually think it’s funny.
Maybe I’m just really not in a place at the moment to be able to take on focusing on me and/or a relationship. Maybe I’m not “manifesting” it because I don’t really want it yet. I mean, I do, but… I’m not convinced I have time. And I’m certainly okay with spending the interim days/weeks/months single, having fun with my girlfriends, enjoying school, and enjoying my life.
Am I coming off bitter? I can’t tell. I’m not. I’m not sure that the man of my dreams is waiting for me in my laptop. As I said at the onset of this, I do personally know people who’ve met their mates (husbands and wives, as it were) on sites like EHarmony or Match. I’m just not sure that that means I’ll be one of them. Worth a shot, right? Remember that Match.com guarantee I mentioned when I joined? If I don’t meet someone “special” within six months, they have to give me another six months for free… I hate to sound fatalistic, but I think they’re gonna have to. And furthermore, I don’t know if I’ll want it. I’m already bored with this process.
And yes – I’m emailing and “winking” at them. I’ll initiate a little here and there, “help a brother out” as they say. I won’t ask him out, I’m a big fan of making a guy work to convince me he is that into me. But I’m getting nothing. Well, okay, I got a “hey sexy how are you” email the other day. That was it – verbatim. No attempt at wit, no humor, no creativity – hell, no punctuation! I emailed him back and asked him if that line had yielded any positive results yet. (To which he replied he was sorry if he had offended me. Offended me? No. I just can’t believe that’s the best anyone can do!)
Snore. I’m not giving up. I’m just hoping for something a little more interesting… a little more anything, please!
somebody, somebody… can anybody find me somebody to love?
i can finally see the sunset
by Stace on February 3rd, 2010
filed under some terrible cacophony
and i wont go back, back to how it was… and i got my heart set on what happens next, i got my eyes wide its not over yet… we’re miracles, and were not alone… – Switchfoot, “This is Home”
I think I’ve scared away someone I potentially liked. How? you ask. By giving him the address to this very blog you’re currently reading. I honestly don’t know whether it’s my daily theme-less rambling, the silly excursions of T&T, or…God forbid… the fact that I’m a New Kids fan. But you know what? Maybe it’s because I have more than 20 years experience with guys’ reaction to that news, but that’s the only one I really think it could have been. Somehow after all these years, and finally coming to terms with it myself, it feels a sort of low blow for that to be a “deal-breaker.” Isn’t there enough about me that’s cool that that can be overlooked if somebody doesn’t “get” it? Maybe it’s a deal-breaker for me!
I suppose it could be said that he might just be busy. I hope so. (What would GB say?) In the last few years, I’ve made it abundantly clear to myself that I make no apologies about who I am – that part of my life is behind me. I used to be a mean girl, I left a trail of human shrapnel in my wake. And I made amends for it. Now I’m happy with who I am – this includes being an NK fan. The ideal reaction from a new person to this information would be a chuckle – not mean laughter. (I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime.) I’d love to meet someone who’s just amused by this information and can put it in perspective with a bigger picture of who I am and then get over it. It’s not the one defining aspect of who I am. And if it’s something a guy can’t get over, I guess he’s doing me a favor by helping me weed him out early…
Speaking of life as a New Kids fan, this reunion isn’t over yet. Life is good to those of us who held out hope. Tomorrow I’ll be getting a ticket with four girlfriends to Las Vegas a week before graduation. I can’t wait. I’m also still really believing that there will be more to come this year, so I’m not going overboard. Another friend of mine just asked me to fly to NYC with her to see one of their two shows at Radio City Music Hall – tempting. Ultimately, I had to choose responsibility and turn her down. (Or is responsibility I’m opting for if I’m passing so I can see more shows closer to me on an upcoming show?)
Tuesdays are loooong days for me this semester. My last class gets out at 8:30, and then I have to walk to my car and drive all the way home – by that time, it’s usually 10. It was quite a consolation this evening to come home and spend a few minutes with my blue-eyed first love and his homies. Did anyone see them on Jimmy Fallon last night? Wow. It never gets old to see them back together, singing both new and old tunes… and every time I do, I light up. And that reminds me that I don’t care what anyone says or thinks about my loving the New Kids on the Block. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: I’m okay with it. I invite you to be as well.
Come on, admit it: this is fun to watch! Check it out:
…and if you really enjoy it, buy the Coming Home DVD!
and now, after all my searching, after all my questions… i’m going to call it home… i got a brand new mind set, i can finally see the sunset… i’m gonna call it home…
