ain’t that a shame?
by Stace on October 8th, 2011
filed under ticket to write
i never ask for more than i deserve
you know it’s the truth
you seem to think you’re god’s gift to this earth
i’m tellin’ you, no way
-Janet Jackson, “What Have You Done for Me Lately?”
You make me sick. Seriously, how dare you treat people the way you do? What makes you think it’s alright to speak to other human beings as you do? You must be pretty proud of yourself; you’ve done so well. And yet there you are, daily, talking down to people like they’re pieces of trash. And not just any people. No, specifically it’s those around you who are there for you day in & day out, breaking their backs just to help you succeed.
I asked you a simple question. I wasn’t questioning your judgment, or doubting you. I was sincerely trying to help – the same kind of thing for which most in your place would actually have thanked me. But you couldn’t do that. You had to shout at me and belittle me in front of other people instead. I hope it felt good. Really, I hope you were able to let off a little of that steam. It seems that that’s necessary, and at least I’m strong enough (for the most part) to take it. Still, it wasn’t enough for you to be condescending and publicly embarrass me. You had to actually continue to come after me; you didn’t get enough of what you were looking for in the first go round? It wasn’t enough until you were shouting so loud that you were literally screaming? Apparently that’s the case, so I hope it had the desired effect: I hope it made you feel like a big, strong, important man.
What you don’t seem to get is that every time you see me, I’m literally there to help. I hear you use that tone regularly with others and I inwardly cringe, but I say nothing because I’m just thankful it isn’t me. Here I was thinking that I had somehow earned your respect, and in the end I somehow manage to be the unlucky soul who incites a tyrannical outburst of epic proportions instead. And now I sit here thinking I no longer care if you respect me or not. What bothers me is that the remorse you allegedly feel for this morning’s explosion will wane without consequence, and ultimately it will matter not to you that what it cost you was my respect. I’ll never look at you the same way, and I’ll never forget how I felt watching your mouth contort and clench with rage. It may be of small concern to you, but I’ll never admire you again. I’m gonna ask this one more time, and then I’m gonna take a big deep breath and get on with my life. How fucking dare you talk to another human being the way you did today? You, sir, disgust me.
I really do hope it was worth it.
what have you done for me lately?
and we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet
by Stace on January 3rd, 2011
filed under ticket to write
for auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne… we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne… – “Auld Lang Syne” (minimalist English translation)
Few things in life are as exciting to me as new beginnings. Unlike most people, though, I find new beginnings in strange things. Not just the obvious like birthdays, weddings, and New Year’s Day, but even the difficult moments like breakups, divorce, and death. Remember that Semisonic song, “Closing Time?” The line that best explains how I feel about the yin and yang of life (at least when it comes to the exciting new opportunities we can find in tragedy, if we only seek them through our devastation) is “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” It has such a nicer ring to it than the worn out cliche, “everything happens for a reason.” While most of us believe that’s true, I for one would be just fine if I never heard, read, or saw those words anywhere ever again.
Anyway, back to new beginnings…I don’t consider myself a wholly superstitious individual, but one exception is that magic that is the stroke of midnight ushering in a new year. For as long as I can remember, I’ve taken that moment seriously, believing that I should be doing that which I would like to be doing in the year to come. There have been years where I meant that quite literally, but the older (and hopefully wiser) I get, the more I mean it to be more of a frame of mind than a literal act (or, God forbid, geographic location)! I used to think I needed to be out “living it up” with friends, drinking, surrounded by noise and chaos. Turns out, I don’t enjoy chaos, especially for chaos’ sake. I also don’t enjoy “rowdy” much anymore, but as I mentioned…I’m growing up. 
For example, the past few years I can still recall: as we ushered in 2009, my sister and a dear friend of ours had just driven from SoCal to my place; I answered the door, sparkling wine in hand just as the countdown began. (Layla and her boyfriend were already there. That’s my kind of warm fuzzy beginning!) Last year, I was with Emma in San Francisco laughing our asses off at the standup hilarity that is Greg Behrendt (et al), followed again by a champagne toast – another fantastic night with a beloved friend. This year, I spent the majority of my evening with my brother, his girlfriend, and our dad at the “old man”‘s place watching a basketball game we’d taped earlier in the afternoon. It was low-key, but I enjoy low-key more & more these days. We made dinner, enjoyed some good conversation, opened (of course!) a bottle of bubbles, and then I decided to bail just before midnight to enjoy a little solitude.
Okay, so I wasn’t actually home alone, but my thinking was that I’d like to start 2011 off in my own space. So what if there are other people in the house? I wasn’t crowded, which was my aim. I was comfortable and happy – and not a bad state of mind to be in for the new year, right? My point is just that these days I’ve learned that I like to either surround myself with those I love, or if that’s not possible, spend that moment suspended between the old and the new happily alone.
I also find new years to be interesting in how they “inspire” us, albeit often only temporarily. I usually resolve not to resolve, but instead to aim higher than I aimed before. I’m learning to try to grow gracefully, not to beat myself up for any lack of follow-through I may have had in the past, and to just keep going. This year, I’m feeling sort of ambitious, and I have a pretty specific plan. I don’t know how it’ll work out, but I do know me by now – which is to say that I know that more often than not, I find a way to make things happen if I really set my sights on them. My goals (so far) only stretch into the first half(-ish) of the year, but that’s good – one thing at a time! Having spent the last month or two conceptualizing a novel, I’m just about to finally put “pen to paper” (so to speak, as this time I won’t bother writing the entire piece by hand). My first goal is to have at least 80% of the first draft done by the time I leave in mid-May for Miami (from where I’ll be cruising to the Bahamas). Upon my return, I plan to finish the manuscript & make whatever edits I feel are necessary for it to be ready for agent eyes. As luck would have it, my boss’s stepsister is a literary agent, and he’s graciously offered to introduce us, so there’s a great chance she’ll read my novel for me when it’s ready. At that point, I’d like to be wrapping up loose ends and figuring out instead how to make them meet from a “new” location. (“New” because I expect, unless life has other plans, that this location will be one with which I’m not only quite familiar, but have called home in the past.) If all goes well, I’d like to be settling back into my other bay area by midsummer. *fingers crossed* 2010 was pretty good to me overall, but I’d like to see if I can’t just top myself this year – I feel good things coming!
I love this moment in a new year where you still feel like everything is fresh and we can make such glorious changes, no matter what lofty goals we set for ourselves. But then again…I’m two full days into the year and already I’ve been practicing yoga, made marshmallows from scratch, torn through the first third of a new book, spent long hours on the phone with a friend I enjoy talking to, excused myself from a job that stands in the way of my personal goals, spent some time with my mom, and had a mani-pedi. Not bad, not bad. Oh, and finally checked in with my blog! (Though I’ll admit…this isn’t at all the blog topic I thought I was logging in to write…I suppose that’ll be next time.)
Enough about me – what about everyone else? What are your goals, or dare I use this word, resolutions? Any insight going into 2011 you’d like to pass on? Hope your year is off to a marvelous start and as always, I’d love to hear from you! Happy New Year!
and there’s a hand my trusty friend, and give us a hand o’ thine… and we’ll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne…
you hate the paradox, you put us in a box
by Stace on November 9th, 2010
filed under ticket to write
we don’t define what makes us right or wrong… waste of time and we’re just livin’ it… i wanna see you, wanna touch you, one on one… won’t stop until we’re done, we’ve only just begun… – Adam Lambert, “Master Plan”
I’ve been meaning to write this for a very long time. I’ll be honest, I don’t really remember studying the Civil Rights Movement in depth in high school, or being passionate about it. I do remember studying all sorts of things pertaining to women in history (suffrage in particular) in back to back Women’s History classes with my favorite Napa Valley College instructor. While I obviously didn’t have a chance to participate in such groundbreaking moments as those, I do remember repeatedly experiencing the sensation that I’d give anything to have been a part of that part of history. I own Iron Jawed Angels, I respect what those who came before have done to pave the way for me to vote (which is why I’m always an informed voter, no matter what), to earn fairly equal wages, etc, etc. But more than that, I’ve always secretly wished for a time for my generation to be able to dig in its heels and fight for something in which we believe so fiercely. It seems that time has finally come.
Some people call this moment the Gay Rights Movement. I prefer to take the lead of Joe Solomonese and call it Human Rights, because it’s not about sexuality – it’s about equality. Just like it isn’t about “us and them” with colors or genders, it needs to no longer be about sexual orientation, either. (And please note: I use the word “orientation” because I don’t believe in calling it “sexual preference.” I don’t believe it’s a choice.)
I can’t wait to look back at this time in my life when our generation fought for an even playing field for people of all different backgrounds. One of the supposed building blocks of this country is the freedom of choice. This includes freedom of religion, which is why it’s paramount that we continue to enforce the separation of church and state. I often find that the religious people in my life bristle when I mention this. I don’t know if it’s because they’d like to be a little pushier with their personal religious views in the government, or because they think that I could never be both a believer and an advocate for maintaining this separation. But the bottom line, for me, is that I don’t support organized religion. I oppose it because I believe it to be a truly personal thing. When we get together and start…comparing notes, if you will, often we find things we believe in common, which eventually become rules. That’s how groups begin to believe they’re superior to others, and that’s where conflict can arise. For the record, I do have a relationship with God. I’m a creationist (though don’t believe for a second that that means I don’t also believe in evolution), and a believer in the story of Christ (though I hesitate to wear the label of ‘Christian’ because there can so easily be such negativity attached to that, particularly when it pertains to this issue). I just believe that this is between God and I, and if I choose to discuss it in any amount of detail, it’ll probably be behind closed doors.
I will say, though, that I don’t believe homosexuality is a sin. I don’t believe it’s a choice. I’m thoroughly tired of religious groups (or anyone) fighting to keep anyone who isn’t “straight” from having the same rights that the rest of us enjoy. I just don’t see how that’s anyone’s business, much less decision. As you might’ve picked up on, I’m passionate about this. This is a cause I want to champion. I want to be the change I wish to see in this world. I want to look back and remember that this kind of discrimation was part of the history of my life and my country, but was overcome just as was the discrimation between sexes and races. (Yes, hate will never completely be eradicated, I’m sure, but we can certainly make it something we look back on, rather than an everyday occurrence.) I can’t wait until the day comes when anyone can marry anyone they choose, regardless of sex – or the state they live in! I also can’t wait until the matter of homosexual couples adopting is a non-issue. At the end of the day, I believe that having two loving parents of any sex or gender is exactly what an adoptive parent should be looking for.
I know this is going to be a hard-fought battle, and it’ll be a long one. I’m just happy to have a chance to dig my heels in and find something – anything – I can do to make a difference in it. Because it matters. Here’s something I recently came across, written by a religious woman. I believe she has the right idea, and that everyone should read and reflect on this: My Son is Gay.
I’ve already said multiple times that I don’t think sexuality is a choice. I don’t think it’s contagious, and I don’t think it can be exorcised out of the “the sinners.” Frequently, fear comes from the unknown. Maybe religious people fear homosexuality because they don’t understand it. I can try to be compassionate about that if they can try to imagine what it must be like to go through life every day with the fear that they’d be discriminated against just for being who they are. Not only that, but it’s not just your “run-of-the-mill” discrimination (so to speak) that our LGBTQI (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex) counterparts have to endure. I have personally known people who have been the victims of hate crimes (including, in one case, a straight man who was beaten just because the attackers thought he “looked gay”). When an Arkansas school board member publicly posts his support of homosexual suicide in response to bullying, something is going terribly wrong in this country.
I feel like this is the most disorganized post I’ve written in a long time. That’s because I’m so emotionally involved in this issue that I can’t really think straight, and rather than continually try to rewrite, I’m just going to post what I have. I hope it’s made you think, if you’re not already with me on this crusade. If so, please visit Human Rights Campaign to get involved. And just in case you might be one of the ones who believes that sexual orientation is, in fact, a choice…a little food for thought:
we are the face of a new generation… we are the ones who have no reservation… don’t give a damn about your cold calculation… welcome to the master plan… don’t care if you understand…
finally got a piece of the pie!
by Stace on August 24th, 2010
filed under ticket to write
well we’re movin’ on up to the east side… to a deluxe apartment in the sky… – “Movin’ on Up,” Theme from The Jeffersons
Well, it’s official. sheswriteontime.wordpress.com has permanently moved on up in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…sheswriteontime.com! Yay!
This is something I’ve been meaning to do for quite some time, but life always seems to get in the way – if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother. But last night I finally freed up enough time to get everything squared away. If you’ve bookmarked, followed, or subscribed (via RSS or email), please update accordingly. This post is the only one that will be left on the old site indefinitely to help traffic get to the right place. So that’s it – all of my blogs are now official real domains! 
Oh, and if you follow the RSS feed, you need to update it. Delete the current feed and subscribe to http://sheswriteontime.com/?feed=rss instead. (You can also do this via the RSS button on the new site. If you don’t make the change, though, you won’t get new posts!
now we’re up in the big leagues, gettin’ our turn at bat… movin’ on up to the east side… we finally got a piece of the pie!
i don't know what i've gotten into…
by Stace on July 8th, 2010
filed under ticket to write
but i’m glad that it’s now instead of sooner… this desert heat has crowded me strong, with a wish i had for winter – Blind Melon, “Deserted”
Okay, it’s not desert heat – this isn’t the desert! Hell, we’re right near a lake. But it’s hot up here. Thankfully, Delores’ place is well-insulated and stays cool, and there’s a “swamp cooler” (an expression I never heard before I became familiar with this place) that works pretty well to blow a nice cool breeze through the house if it gets too warm. And actually, the heat isn’t really what kills me about being here.
Last night, Delores, Brian and I went to dinner. On the way back, while trying to remember to keep my eyes on the road from the backseat (so as not to get carsick on the windy road), it occurred me to what’s unusual about this place: well, okay, there are several things. Specifically, though, it always feels like I’m on summer vacation (which, I kind of technically am, though it hasn’t really sunk in yet that I can be on “permanent” vacation if I want to be) or camping. I say summer vacation first because when I’ve been here before for extended lengths of time, it’s usually been between my spring and fall semesters; Delores is usually either off work altogether for a summer break of her own, or running a part-time summer program with her high-schoolers (as we are now), so we have plenty of free time to ourselves. I say camping because…well, as I’ve said before, I’m a city girl. Being here reinforces this to me. I’m not sure I could ever be the kind of person who uses the expression “go to town” and be happy about it. Here, it’s just how things are. We’re not really out in the country, but there isn’t a Target. There isn’t a Whole Foods, or even a Trader Joe’s. There’s a natural foods store (thankfully), but other than that, your best bet is the Organics brand at Safeway. Yup. That’s how we roll at the lake.
It also feels like camping because of the aforementioned windy roads. A lot of the cool things to do around here feel like vacation things to me, not way-of-life things: jet-skiing (we don’t really swim in the lake, it’s not that clean), visiting the reservoir-turned-park and its huge grill with picnic tables, or yes, having to shop at Walmart because your actual need for something trumps your desire to avoid the place like the plague for your own personal principles. City life (even suburban life) doesn’t require the same amount of planning that life does when you’re here. For example, if you want to rent a movie (or four, to save you the time of going back the next day to switch them), you plan a trip to the other side of the lake and make sure to get gas while you’re there (where it’s the cheapest), stop by the best supermarket, and maybe even get something to eat (unless you want to cook yourself), since choices on our side of the lake are slim.
Add to that the fact that I’m sleeping on a futon (albeit a comfortable one) and have to use D & Brian’s bathroom to shower (which leads me to inevitable planning of this enjoyable activity, too), and that I have to pack a bag each week in order to have clean clothes for work, and I can’t help but think I’m on vacay in a cross between camping and well, the Ritz. (Delores has a way of always making her homes into fantastic spaces that always feel like home; this is the second of her homes I’ve been a guest in since I’ve known her.) That’s an important thing to note, actually: once we’re comfortably home from work/dinner/running errands/etc, D’s house no longer makes me feel in any way that I’m camping: but it does still feel very much like a vacation. Because she loves to cook, I’m often left to my own devices with a book or in front of the TV while she cooks up something delicious for all of us (although it’s been tougher for her as of late because she’s on the tail end of a three-week deprivation from all things both wheat and dairy; and I currently am only allowing myself to eat any sugar or red meat once a week).
So while I’m here for work, I’m only working 3x a week for 4 hours at a time. I failed miserably at getting in any real exercise this week, but next week I plan to remedy that. And ultimately, when I’m not working, this month is destined to feel like quite a getaway. And I think I can handle that. Today after school, I’m headed home to do laundry, sleep in my own bed, and waitress the weekend away. It’s tomorrow night with Layla at the SF Symphony (seeing Idina Menzel) that I’m really excited about, and then before I know it, it’ll be time to pack again and head back up to do it all over again…
as the sand blew in my eyes, i stood on the edge and looked down to see… the light of a new life shining up on me…
