every lament is a love song
by Stace on October 31st, 2011
filed under pretty things
i woke from a dream last night
i dreamed that you were by my side
reminding me i still had life in me…
i’ll carry on… – Switchfoot, “Yesterdays”
A decade ago, I was a completely different person than I am today. I was homeless in San Diego, far from home and scared, and a master at pushing people away. Suffice it to say that I wasn’t surrounded by a close circle of friends. Sure, I had a few, thank God. One of the girls I’d grown up with, Allison, had recently been diagnosed with brain cancer, just before turning 23. I remember the day I called the hospital trying to reach her mom or husband: Ally picked up. Though we’d both grown up and moved away, we’d always stayed in touch. And while we’d spent many a childhood hour in church, we’d bonded over rejected principles as teenagers, and again over shared discovery of who God actually was. Not knowing if I’d ever have the chance again, I savored every moment of that phone conversation. Ally was happy. She wanted more than anything to have a baby, but ultimately was in love with her husband and at peace with God, her illness, and whatever was to come of it all. We prayed together, said our “I love you”s and essentially our I-hope-this-isn’t-goodbyes, and left nothing unsaid. We had been there for each other for a great many things over our fifteen year friendship. It turned out to be the last time I ever heard her voice.
Ten years ago today, Ally died. Somehow, though I always knew it could happen, I must’ve been expecting a miracle. That someone I loved so much and had known for so long could just be gone completely blindsided me. Living in San Diego in a community of other believers helped, but it took the better part of the first year just to stop reaching for the phone to call her. Even at her memorial service, Ally’s mom & I lamented that the strangest part was that she’d want to go home and call her to tell her how much it meant that her friends had come from all over. I guess if you’ve not lost someone you love, this may sound strange. I knew exactly what she meant. I’ve long since stopped trying to reach out, but I’ll never forget that odd feeling.
I’m always cautious about my actions and my surroundings on this anniversary. I take the day off from work, school, everything. Sometimes people don’t understand this, and they want to give me that whole “look on the bright side!” rubbish. The truth is, I do. I do look on the bright side – three hundred and sixty-four days a year. In fact, on Ally’s birthday, every year without fail, I call all of my friends and make a special effort to tell them I love them. I never want to take the chance of losing anyone without them knowing how I feel. I also make a point to treat her birthday as a celebration of life. Because that’s true, I feel it’s appropriate, respectful, and completely warranted that I give myself the anniversary of her death to be sad. Truth be told, getting in touch with emotions like those isn’t easy for me. While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with tears, they don’t normally come easily to me, so this is the one day of the year I purposely seek them out. I give myself one whole day to miss my friend, and then I move on and enjoy Halloween, knowing it’s exactly what Ally would want.
Months after Ally’s passing, when my roommate and I had finally found a place to live, (and jobs!) we went to the movies. Admittedly, that pretty boy Shane West was in A Walk to Remember was reason enough for me. I knew nothing about the premise of the film, and wasn’t a big fan of romantic movies in general, but went anyway. Something someone said as we were headed for the theater tipped me off that it might involve a death, but I didn’t give it much of a second thought. When it turned out to be a story about a teenager with leukemia (who eventually dies), it was all I could do just to keep from sobbing out loud in the theater. As people were filing out when it was over, I just waited as the credits rolled, praying I’d be able to somehow pull myself together and just get home. I own the DVD now and if ever I watch it, it’s only on October 30th, because I know it will only ever remind me of my sweet friend and that very specific time in my life.
Over the years, I’ve come across my share of songs that make me remember Ally. Today I planned to share my very favorite of these songs (the one from which this post gets its title and lyrics) as a video on my Facebook page, but discovered to my dismay that all that existed were cheesy photo slideshows made by fans and live performances with less-than-stellar audio. Rather than giving up, I decided to make one of my own. I didn’t know how, but it didn’t take long to figure it out. I’ll end my post with my creation, and hope that someone will enjoy it as I do. And now on with another year: Happy Halloween!
i remember you like yesterday, yesterday
i still can’t believe you’re gone
i remember you like yesterday, yesterday
and until i’m with you, i’ll carry on…
when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
by Stace on June 11th, 2010
filed under let me entertain you
what a feeling… being’s believing… i can have it all, now i’m dancing for my life… – Irene Cara, “What a Feeling (Flashdance)”
I know that too many posts in a row about entertainment like TV and music may make some of my readers want to hit the snooze. I just can’t help myself. Every time I watch the kids on So You Think You Can Dance, I’m inspired! And Fox, to be clear: no. I don’t think I can dance. I know I can’t. That’s why I love this show so much.
First of all, it bears mentioning that I grew up in a sect of Christianity that very much frowns upon dancing. I don’t know why (the joke goes that they don’t have sex standing up for fear someone might think they were dancing). I just know that some of the coolest experiences for me in public school were the dances. Not because I particularly like to dance, and especially not because I think I’m a good dancer. (Though, yes, there’s nothing like being a teenager who was denied the pleasure of slow dancing with a cute boy and then suddenly finding yourself at prom.) It was because it was such a part of American culture! We were always constantly aware as kids and in our early teens that the majority of our peers across the country would think that us getting all gussied up to go to a “banquet” and have dinner with our dates was weird. What, you don’t get to dance? No, we did not. And yes, we thought it was weird, too.
Aside from all this, though, I never really thought I was interested in dance. I can appreciate the ballet. There’s something truly beautiful about dancers on toes. And good hip-hop dancers/breakers, even krumpers, I knew I could enjoy watching. And of course, I have a long-term love affair with Broadway, so there’s that…but I never really thought about what the life of a dancer might be. And I definitely never knew how many different styles of dance there are! Enter SYTYCD…
I’ve been watching this show since the first season. Season 2, however, was the one that really hooked me. I enjoyed the first round, but while it’s true that they do “raise the bar” each season, there was an especially significant jump from somewhat “rinky dink” season 1 to unbelievable season 2 (which brought us the likes of Benji and Travis, just to name two). Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever missed an episode. Forget American Idol, this show’s where it’s at for me.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen something so beautiful as a dancer putting all of him/herself into a piece. The ways that they contort their bodies and make a piece of music come alive into a moving, breathing work of art…unbelievable. I’ll never forget the piece choreographed by the amazing Mia Michaels that Melissa and Ade did about breast cancer. I’ve had more than one routine over the years actually bring me to tears, and I would have never thought it possible. I can’t believe I ever thought I wasn’t a fan of dancers! I even relish the ballroom routines (and yes, a lot of it is because I can appreciate the beauty of something I’m likely to never master)!
Layla and I were talking about the new season the other day. For some reason, there’s only a top 11 (10 planned, but the last two guys were both so good they squeezed in an extra spot) instead of 20 this season. Maybe because it’s had ratings issues recently? It’s usually a summer show, though – last season aired in the fall. If it had ratings problems, that could have a lot to do with it. Also, Mia was gone, and I’m sure she’s a huge crowd favorite. Apparently American Idol‘s ratings are really low, too, but I suppose that’s probably because Paula Abdul is gone and there’s not much to laugh at anymore…I know I certainly don’t care to watch, but I never really did. (I’ll admit I watch enough to know who the top whatever are, though, and then just find out who goes home each week.)
So the thing with Dance this season is to have a top 11 dance with 11 “All Stars” who won’t be competing for anything. Like Dancing with the Stars, they’ll just be there to partner the contestants. It’s an interesting concept, but I thought it was going to be disappointing. In a way, it still is: I don’t get to watch 20 contestants narrowed down to 4 who duke it out on the dance floor to crown a final champ. But then again…did you see tonight’s episode? It’s so good to see some of those All Stars again: Ade, Lauren, Twitch, Dominic, Courtney…wow. They are so damn good at what they do. You know what it is I love about this show, and maybe about dance in general? When someone’s really good, you can just feel their passion rolling off of them. And I will always love that level of passion for anything. When you know what you’re good at and you just go for it, there’s nothing more beautiful, to me. That’s what I love about this show!!
This season, there are some great people to watch. I think I might run the risk of naming them all if I tried to pick favorites, at least among the boys. It’s safe to say, though, that every time I see Lauren on the screen I’m already ready to pick up my phone to vote for her (and I don’t usually vote at all): she is brilliant. I can’t wait for this season to get started!! Who’s with me?
take your passion and make it happen… pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life…
